Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Just Keep On Suckin'

Can you smell it folks? Can you smell the iron scented crimson blood running down the dark copper celluloid film only to emulsify and be projected on screen? Can you see the scarlet blanket that drapes itself over the the windows to your soul? Well if you do, it's because vampires have taken over Hollywood. Duh.

I mean how could you not notice? They're everywhere those damn Transylvanian terrorists. The Twilight Saga. True Blood. Blood: The Last Vampire (upcoming remake of Japananimation cartoon). The Underworld Trilogy. The Blade Trilogy. Guillermo Del Toro's collaboration with Chuck Hogan for their book, The Strain. 30 Days of Night. Rooskie land's Let The Right One In. The idea of Morbius being in Spider-Man 4 (but then it was scrapped because the overly saturated vampire craze) et al.

I'm not going to say that I hate it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love vampires as much as the next person. True romances cursed by bloodlust and immortality. That's a great premise isn't it? The everlasting battle between humans and the living dead. I mean you can do so much with such an epic story. But what you shouldn't do (at least I think so anyway) is portray vampires as monstrous satanic humanoids. There's nothing worse than turning the seductive look of a classic vampire into a horrible looking bloodthirsty turd looking creature. I understand that filmmakers want to strike fear in the hearts of their audiences with a wooden stake, but facial prosthetics is NOT the way to go.

I think humans are more scared by realism than fantasy. I mean, it's pretty far fetched enough that your captor turns out to be a bloodsucking being with a rapist wit. So why add on to that unbelievable debacle by morphing their their snout and adding millions of sharp teeth and making their foreheads look like Klingon labias? You want some examples? Okay. Take Interview With A Vampire for instance. In my opinion, best vampire movie ever. A stellar cast and an elaborate story spanning two centuries (and might I add Kirsten Dunst was amazing as a young actress). Nobody in that movie once turned into a retarded monster Klingon. Everybody had the classic look ranging from the romantic aesthetics of the late 1700's to the present.

Now, take into consideration hmmm...let's see...Wes Craven's fucking Vampire In Brooklyn starring Eddie Murphy. I think this was the first vampire movie in which I was disgusted with, mainly due to the fact that Eddie Murphys vampire, "Maximillian", turns into this grossly perverted vampiric monster. Even at that age of 10 I could tell this movie was shite. Sure they tried to add in the exotic look of having long locks like a black Fabio and a well groomed beard, but that was just a cheap attempt at disguising the horrible idea of Wes Craven's vampire look. Other movies are like this. Such as Blade, John Carpenter's Vampires, Tales From The Crypt: Bordello of Blood and a crapload of others with no imagination.

I just don't understand it. Hollywood's idea of "scaring" up the vampiric image is to add 3 to 6 hours of make-up on someone and adding some teeth and red contacts. Sure they're dreadful creatures of the night, but the one main thing that's scary about them is that they're human looking which successfully lures in their prey. Again, the realism! The ONLY vampire to EVER successfully pull off the creepiest vampire look without excessive make-up was 1922's Nosferatu. Max Schreck's lanky body and that oversized head with the pointy ears, the blank eyes, the fangs and the long skinny fingers tipped with sharp nails was about the scariest depiction of a vampire ever put on camera. Still, to this day, 87 years later, it still holds as the most frightening creature in cinema.

In conclusion, just an advice to any filmmakers (like my opinion matters to you guys and anybody else that's reading this), lay off the exaggerated demon look. Even Twilight doesn't do that to its characters and I hated that movie. Stop sucking Hollywood, and try to instill eternal life into our beloved vampire movies.

P.S. Don't worry folks, if you're bored with the whole vampire thing, just you wait and see what's coming out next: WEREWOLVES (or wolf related creatures)! It began with Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. It's gonna kick off again with New Moon and then The Wolf Man (starring Benicio Del Toro). And who knows after that! Maybe Marley and Me 2: Return of the Living Dead Marley Dog Thing.

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