Michael Bay Wants To Blow You

Michael Bay. Cousin of Leonard Nimoy. American. Millionaire. And Hollywood Director that puts together big budget summer blockbuster films with one thing in common: He likes to blow your mind. If you take a gander at the movies he's done, you'll know what I'm talking about. The man loves to go over the top on his films. He's the Barry Bonds of Tinseltown. Everybody likes to watch his movies but knows he's cheating somehow because you know his movies are chock full of testosterone from rhino sperm.

Let's take a look at the titles he has under his belt: Bad Boys (1995), The Rock (1996), Armageddon (1998), Pearl Harbor (2001), Bad Boys II (2003), The Island (2005), Transformers (2007) and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009). In the beginning, Bay came out in the ring as a lightweight contender with Bad Boys. After that movie was released with rave reviews, he redefined the action genre and set the standard with huge explosions and some pretty nifty special effects. Everybody thought "Wow, this guy knows what he's doing." Then The Rock came out and you couldn't get enough of Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage fighting side by side and the dramatic adventure they go through to save San Francisco. Still, the same explosions and action sequences played out and you figured "Ok, it's entertaining, I still like it!". Then Michael Bay decided to go somewhere else and take his big budget blow-shit-up plan into space (coincidentally around the same time as another movie with the same premise came out; Deep Impact). Okay, this shit's getting old, no? After these three movies, you realize Michael Bay is following the same old formula: Huge over-the-top explosions + Swooping camera angles (usually from the bottom looking up with a wide angle lens) that's showing someone say something dramatic for 5 seconds before cutting to the next camera angle + The film's protagonists uniting and walking towards the camera in cool slow motion to glamorize their heroic appearance + Presidents making epic speeches before the epic climax + Empty romances multiplied by a huge studio budget = COCKBUSTER!

Nobody ever revered this man as the next Francis Ford Coppola or anything. But you have to admit, his movies get extremely old. You would think that as a director, you would try to challenge yourself artistically and take a chance. After eight movies, I guess not. Personally, I'm never really excited when I see the Dynamic Duo (Michael Bay & Jerry Bruckheimer) attached to any film. I try to avoid it, actually, at all costs. There's just no depth to his films. No meat. Just pixels and fire. But again, it's because of the audience that goes and watches these movies that keeps Michael Bay making films. So, I can't really sit here and request Michael Bay to stop making films that have a diarrhea of stunts, explosions and special effects. I would have to sit here and request dumb America to stop watching his films. So America (or The World), please try to acknowledge that his movies are poop. Show me that you people have taste. The same goes for anybody that likes Roland Emmerich. That name alone makes my eyes roll long enough to look like I'm having an epileptic seizure.